alone..
The guys emptied my file of worksheets outside the classroom
..............................................................................................................................................................................
I was so angry with them. I feel humiliated. One by one, I picked up the worksheets. They were stained with dirt. I could not hand them in to Miss Nora. She would ask me about the stains and I would have to explain everything. I fear to explain myself. No.. I should just ask Stephanie for her worksheets, get them photocopied and redo the work before handing in. I am sure Miss Nora would not mind me for handing in her work late just by one day. She never minds me. Stephanie too. She helped me to pick up the worksheets today. Whenever I needed help, she would be there. She does not interrogate me or demand me to talk. She does not need me to explain myself. When the guys stole my lunch, she would buy food for me. But most of the time i can't bring myself to say what others usually say to express gratitude. Others know how to say "thank you", but i don't; I would just feel tensed and avoid looking at her. But I really do feel grateful to her. I want to let her know that I appreciate everything she has done! But i cannot express the words properly. Maybe I am really abnormal. I'm spastic. No one knows how horrible it feels at being unable to express what I yearn to say.
Stephanie lent me a pencil today, when she realized I had none to do my classwork. She came close to me and placed the pencil on my table. I didn't know why, but I felt that surge of gratitude within me, and that sudden urge to let her know right then, that I have been hoping to thank her so much. I clasped her hands in mine and shook it very very hard, but all the while afraid to meet her eyes. She shrieked and I felt myself violently pushed to the ground. Was this too abrupt, or had I grabbed her too hard that it hurt? There was commotion everywhere around me. I sat rooted on the ground, so confused and hurt.
Even Stephanie could not accept me. School life is tormenting me too harshly. I want to hide somewhere in the darkness.
Only isolation can give me protection. Nothing else can