alone..
Miss Laura pulled me out of class today. Yes, I guess I did something wrong, she said so. She said I should not do that again. She calls that behavioral outburst. Whatever.
I did not participate in the group discussion. I sat at a corner of the classroom. That was when I began thinking about all that had happened. From the corner of my eye, I can see the eccentric stares from the boys. Suddenly, for the first time, I had this weird feeling in my heart, it felt a little sad, a little lost. It was like a sense of helplessness surfacing in my heart.
As I look around the class, I felt lonely, out of place. I understand that they were the ones normal; I was the alien. I was like the alien from another planet, perhaps Mars, or even a planet which never cease to exist. I know I should already get use to the jeers, criticism, and stares, but it really does not feel comfortable. How I wish they can ever stop staring at me. I am really no alien, I did not hide a tail under my clothes, I AM A HUMAN, just unique in my own way…
I know, I really do know. I know there is something wrong with me. I am different. I know it is strange not to interact with others. But I really cannot help it. There is always an imaginary barrier surrounding me, isolating me from the rest. The barrier, so real, that I could hardly even feel the existence of others. I know the meaning of “anti-social”. I know my problem has brought about much trouble with my parents. I know I am a nuisance. I have seen my mom broke down. I do feel something, I know she is tired, really sick of taking care of me. I tried to give her a pat on the shoulder that was the least I could do. I did not know what else to do.
I often dream of myself in a wonderland. It was quiet, not a single sound, yet it was filled with warmth. The people there could understand me, I could feel it. They knew what I was going through in my mind. The people were smiling to me, they did not force me to do anything I did not like. How nice.
As I woke up, the sunlight pierce into my eyes, as if it was a stab back into reality. I felt tired waking up from my dreams. I felt tired to face the people. I have tried, really. There is this inner struggle within me, the agony of knowing there is something wrong, but yet unable to fulfill it. I know there is a problem with me, like a nightmare. A nightmare, which I am unable to be awoken from. No matter how hard I struggle to open my eyes, my eyelids remained wedged with each other. There is nothing I can do, I cannot escape from it. All I can do is to remain armless, waiting for the time I am allowed to surrender.
Am I really a nuisance to people? People could not understand me; neither could I understand them. Weird, is that really what I am? I really, really want to salvage the situation. Someone, anyone, please tell me what is wrong.
i am not hiding...i just don't know what to do...