alone..
Everyday is getting worse for me. Why am I even living in this world? Is there even a space that I can fill in here? I hate the feeling of waking up everyday, knowing that I have to face the world alone again. I hate the aching in me when I lie in bed at night, thinking of how my life is a flop in every aspect.
At times, I feel as if there are one or two kids in school who actually seem to want to befriend me, the thought of it seems so exciting yet scary at the same time. But I don't know how to talk to them! I desperately want them to like me, yet I'm afraid of chasing them away. Although they are nice to me, but I somehow sense distance and timidness from them whenever they are with me. Can somebody please tell me how do I express myself out to others?? How can I make them like me and be my friends? It's something that I long for everyday, yet unable to achieve. I don't know what my problem is, I try so hard, harder than anyone else, to communicate with people and try to blend in with everyone around, but I always stand out, stand out negatively, followed by weird stares by people, and sometimes even the teachers seem to be wary with me. It's as if we live in two different worlds where my actions and language is totally foreign to everyone else. Is that the way it really is? Why can't I change it, I've been trying so hard!
Is it wrong to enjoy seeing people shriek in fear when I suddenly jump out of nowhere? Is it wrong to lock myself in a room and scream all day, head banging and biting, why doesn't everyone do that? Whenever I'm happy or filled with emotions, these seem to be the best ways to release all the emotions within me. I can't understand the way people around me communicate, why do they do the things that they do? Some of them don't even make sense to me. Why do they smile at me? Am I such a freak that people always smile at me? I would never smile at a person, it just seems so wrong in my context. Why do people tap on my shoulder when they want to talk to me? I hate it when people touch me, it's as if they are about to attack me anytime. Why can't i find a friend who is like me and understands how I feel?
Or am I the one and only in this world..