alone..
alone..
alone..
alone..
alone..
alone..
alone..
Miss Laura pulled me out of class today. Yes, I guess I did something wrong, she said so. She said I should not do that again. She calls that behavioral outburst. Whatever.
I did not participate in the group discussion. I sat at a corner of the classroom. That was when I began thinking about all that had happened. From the corner of my eye, I can see the eccentric stares from the boys. Suddenly, for the first time, I had this weird feeling in my heart, it felt a little sad, a little lost. It was like a sense of helplessness surfacing in my heart.
As I look around the class, I felt lonely, out of place. I understand that they were the ones normal; I was the alien. I was like the alien from another planet, perhaps Mars, or even a planet which never cease to exist. I know I should already get use to the jeers, criticism, and stares, but it really does not feel comfortable. How I wish they can ever stop staring at me. I am really no alien, I did not hide a tail under my clothes, I AM A HUMAN, just unique in my own way…
I know, I really do know. I know there is something wrong with me. I am different. I know it is strange not to interact with others. But I really cannot help it. There is always an imaginary barrier surrounding me, isolating me from the rest. The barrier, so real, that I could hardly even feel the existence of others. I know the meaning of “anti-social”. I know my problem has brought about much trouble with my parents. I know I am a nuisance. I have seen my mom broke down. I do feel something, I know she is tired, really sick of taking care of me. I tried to give her a pat on the shoulder that was the least I could do. I did not know what else to do.
I often dream of myself in a wonderland. It was quiet, not a single sound, yet it was filled with warmth. The people there could understand me, I could feel it. They knew what I was going through in my mind. The people were smiling to me, they did not force me to do anything I did not like. How nice.
As I woke up, the sunlight pierce into my eyes, as if it was a stab back into reality. I felt tired waking up from my dreams. I felt tired to face the people. I have tried, really. There is this inner struggle within me, the agony of knowing there is something wrong, but yet unable to fulfill it. I know there is a problem with me, like a nightmare. A nightmare, which I am unable to be awoken from. No matter how hard I struggle to open my eyes, my eyelids remained wedged with each other. There is nothing I can do, I cannot escape from it. All I can do is to remain armless, waiting for the time I am allowed to surrender.
Am I really a nuisance to people? People could not understand me; neither could I understand them. Weird, is that really what I am? I really, really want to salvage the situation. Someone, anyone, please tell me what is wrong.
i am not hiding...i just don't know what to do...
I seem to be going to the hospital more often nowadays. Am i sick? Mom says that it is just for checkups to make sure that my body is healthy. Today was weird, I had to take an injection at the arm, and both my parents and the nurses kept reassuring me that the pain would be over in just a short while, asking me to be brave and bear with it. But when the needle entered my arm, it was not painful at all, more like an ant bite compared to what my parents were saying.
For the past few days, mom and dad have been making me do unusual things. They bring me to the doctors, and i have to talk to him for an hour everyday. He tells me what to say when people ask me common questions, to smile back when people smile at me, how I must always think that people are there to make friends with me, not to stab me behind my back whilst I'm not looking. I don't understand what he is trying to tell me. Why does he want to make me be someone that I'm not? I don't like to smile at people. I definitely do NOT think that they are trying to befriend me when they talk to me. Nobody even cares about me in this world. They do not understand me, as I do not understand them.
I will not smile at people or have a template of what sentences to reply people when they make conversations with me. Why is it that I have to smile and answer 'Fine thank you, and how are you today?" when people smile and ask me "Hi, how 's life?". Why can't I just nod my head and walk away? Does everyone have to go for this kind of lessons with the doctor or is it just me? Why WHY?? Why is it always me. Am I that abnormal in everyone's eyes? Maybe I should just give up and stop even trying to attempt to have friends or even communicating at all. That would make everyone shut up about me.
Something must be going on for sure. Everyday, I have to take horrible medicines and pills that my mom say would be good for my body. I don't want to eat them. Only sick people take medicine, but I'm not sick. The worst part is, whenever I do head banging, or start biting myself when I feel happy or upset, mom would make me eat pills again, which makes me not want to head-bang anymore. I like biting and head-banging, why does she not let me do it? I especially do not like the pills that make me stop doing the things I like.
Stop controlling my life anymore. I want to live like how I am, you will see that I'm really not sick like you all think I am
My parents brought me to the hospital today. I was siting alone in a room, while a woman was writing something in the same room. I hid my face. I did not want to see her. A man came in, and talked to me in a cheerful manner. He asked me many questions, while I answered by nodding or shaking my head. I tried dodge his stares. He was friendly, but I did not want to interact with him at all.
He told me to sit in a corner. He talked to my parents. I got distracted by the cans. He had a few cans in the dustbin, and I thought, how nice it would be to stack them up. Then, I heard my parents arguing. They were shouting at each other. Father said that it was mother's fault that I have autism because she had smoked during her pregnancy. What is autism? Mother shouted at father saying that he had always left her alone at home during pregnancy, causing me to be autistic.What is autistic? The doctor said that there is no known cause for it, and it was due to the genes, not parental upbringing. What are they talking about? I cannot understand anything that they are saying. So autism is my abnormality? Its that why I am different? Who is genes? How did he make me like this? I shivered, and ran to the dustbin. I began to stack up cans, my favourite hobby. I tried to forget everything they said. I stacked and stacked, in varying patterns.
In the background, I heard my mother crying.
Everyday is getting worse for me. Why am I even living in this world? Is there even a space that I can fill in here? I hate the feeling of waking up everyday, knowing that I have to face the world alone again. I hate the aching in me when I lie in bed at night, thinking of how my life is a flop in every aspect.
At times, I feel as if there are one or two kids in school who actually seem to want to befriend me, the thought of it seems so exciting yet scary at the same time. But I don't know how to talk to them! I desperately want them to like me, yet I'm afraid of chasing them away. Although they are nice to me, but I somehow sense distance and timidness from them whenever they are with me. Can somebody please tell me how do I express myself out to others?? How can I make them like me and be my friends? It's something that I long for everyday, yet unable to achieve. I don't know what my problem is, I try so hard, harder than anyone else, to communicate with people and try to blend in with everyone around, but I always stand out, stand out negatively, followed by weird stares by people, and sometimes even the teachers seem to be wary with me. It's as if we live in two different worlds where my actions and language is totally foreign to everyone else. Is that the way it really is? Why can't I change it, I've been trying so hard!
Is it wrong to enjoy seeing people shriek in fear when I suddenly jump out of nowhere? Is it wrong to lock myself in a room and scream all day, head banging and biting, why doesn't everyone do that? Whenever I'm happy or filled with emotions, these seem to be the best ways to release all the emotions within me. I can't understand the way people around me communicate, why do they do the things that they do? Some of them don't even make sense to me. Why do they smile at me? Am I such a freak that people always smile at me? I would never smile at a person, it just seems so wrong in my context. Why do people tap on my shoulder when they want to talk to me? I hate it when people touch me, it's as if they are about to attack me anytime. Why can't i find a friend who is like me and understands how I feel?
Or am I the one and only in this world..
The guys emptied my file of worksheets outside the classroom
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I was so angry with them. I feel humiliated. One by one, I picked up the worksheets. They were stained with dirt. I could not hand them in to Miss Nora. She would ask me about the stains and I would have to explain everything. I fear to explain myself. No.. I should just ask Stephanie for her worksheets, get them photocopied and redo the work before handing in. I am sure Miss Nora would not mind me for handing in her work late just by one day. She never minds me. Stephanie too. She helped me to pick up the worksheets today. Whenever I needed help, she would be there. She does not interrogate me or demand me to talk. She does not need me to explain myself. When the guys stole my lunch, she would buy food for me. But most of the time i can't bring myself to say what others usually say to express gratitude. Others know how to say "thank you", but i don't; I would just feel tensed and avoid looking at her. But I really do feel grateful to her. I want to let her know that I appreciate everything she has done! But i cannot express the words properly. Maybe I am really abnormal. I'm spastic. No one knows how horrible it feels at being unable to express what I yearn to say.
Stephanie lent me a pencil today, when she realized I had none to do my classwork. She came close to me and placed the pencil on my table. I didn't know why, but I felt that surge of gratitude within me, and that sudden urge to let her know right then, that I have been hoping to thank her so much. I clasped her hands in mine and shook it very very hard, but all the while afraid to meet her eyes. She shrieked and I felt myself violently pushed to the ground. Was this too abrupt, or had I grabbed her too hard that it hurt? There was commotion everywhere around me. I sat rooted on the ground, so confused and hurt.
Even Stephanie could not accept me. School life is tormenting me too harshly. I want to hide somewhere in the darkness.
Only isolation can give me protection. Nothing else can
It was Miss Laura's lesson again. I hate to see her. She has never started lessons without first asking me to clear my table. I was stacking cans. What's wrong with stacking cans? I like to arrange them in nice patterns. I tried a new formation today. It was pyramid shape. When i threw a pen on them they all tumbled down. And then I'd stack them up again. Then hit it. Then stack them up.
My mum gave me those cans long ago. I had them all arranged nicely in a row in my class. But each morning the guys would crush on or two of the cans before i came into class. They call me a retard. They shout and jeered at me. I am not spastic. They told me spastic means I'm abnormal and dumb. But I'm not. My mum never said I was. When i stepped into class today, the boys messed up my cans. One threw a can at me. It hurt, so deeply. I kept mum. I rearranged the cans in order again. I was so hurt; something was gnawing my heart so hard. I didn't want to cry; it would just make the whole world turn their eyes on me. I don't want anyone to notice me, to read my mind, to know I am so sad. Why can't they just leave me alone? Miss Laura shouted at me. She grabbed me by the hand, and I could not reach for the cans. I don't want to struggle, or to shout. I did not want to meet her eyes. I nailed my eyes to the ground. I could hear bursts of laughter and shouts. I gritted my teeth. I looked up only when i heard the clanking of cans down the bin.
Miss Laura threw my cans away.
My name is Timmy. I am 8 years old. I like to be alone. Crowds and loud noises just puts me off. I hate to go out. I hate shopping malls. The sight of so many people just makes me panic. I don't understand. People look at me weirdly. Different faces, the eyes, the noses, the mouths, the stares. A salesgirl is talking. A woman is choosing clothes. A girl is crying and whining. People are walking around. I feel suffocated by them. All I want is to be alone.
Today, everyone in the class was invited to a party, everyone except for me. I did not want to go, because the noise and crowd are scary. But it still hurts not to be invited. I heard them jeering, saying that it is a party for normal people. I do not know how to tell them I am normal. I do not know how to talk to them properly. They don't understand me. I am normal just that I want to be alone. I don't understand why they think I am not normal. I think I am just different. I love the silence and darkness. I love to be alone, with my own thoughts. My classmates are monsters.